Relational

I once wrote to you about the relationship you have with happiness

where it seemed straight forward, linear and obtainable 

I registered this alternative, and admired your tenacity and clarity

you paved the road for many

as for me,

I'd rather sit with my unconventional angle of the pursue of happiness 

working through my desires

I have instinctively chosen to sit with depth, the other sets of experiences - perhaps overlapping the spectrum of happiness

for I understood happiness may seem simple to be reached

but it actually is complex

especially when my will of attainment is strong

we took our risks, within each drawn limitations

though I must say that I love it when you soar at your peak of intensity

one could tell that you are happy - a sun like ball of energy

you are indeed a person with a big source of warmth

unbashful

it is okay to be unhappy

for happiness is not an end goal 

the action of pursuing it openly, is

Scorching Sun

The sun was generous, as we tell from the emitted rays

I walked without looking too far, with my dirt covered hair

       freely, like I've owed nothing to anybody

until I see you from a distance

The sun was generous, cutting interactions short

I remembered turning back to watch you leave

I am out numbered, I noticed, I still am - after all this while

 

My vision blurred as I looked back

I don't remember your faded hair colour

but I realised I still long for your presence - even unobtainable 

I remember I feared

you have been always stronger, like masculinely strong

I don't want to be hurt again

you have every capacity of doing so

my guard was built sky high, extending in parallel, as I look back

will there be a time where I will completely forget everything?

why do I have to see you again? 

I don't know if you'd ever have good things to say about me 

I regret that it is all this fragile

I regret that my expectations were overflowing

I don't know if we'd ever stop acting that we're all fine

The sun was generous, as we tell from the emitted rays

parting

I would stay away so you can continue to build what's great that you deem

I wish I could be remembered the way I think I would, though again

this is out of my control

The warmth that you express is one that I remembered well,

I wish that you'll be protected that by that very magic itself, 

as you continue to soar

Most of the time, it is not about you

I see it, I truly do

which is why when I spoke of for myself, it seemed that we couldn't coexist anymore

for I see clearly, who you are(were)

it does break my heart, love

I could see from the way you look at me

I love you, but I got to go

for this space doesn't look like a place you'd stay

you three have a good thing going, 

take it, protect it, 

with my biggest heart, I'll take up all that's left

and walk my path

I'll see you again, someday

thank you for your innocence, 

and your kindness

your presence trampled my little garden - that is just who you are, to me

if you get to read my words one day

I wish these could land to you, soundly

委託人

滿滿 

為了妳而聚

然而我唯有遠方送上祝福

一個孩子在哭泣   另一個在微笑

雖不算分裂   他們共存在我體內

委託人 身邊觀察

似乎在問我好不好

我不好 被捨棄了有什麼好

一個孩子在哭泣   另一個在微笑

我的祝福 可真實

傷口一樣真實

委託人 一直也是媒介人

看著我對大家表達的思念

不懂是否被傳達

委託人給了小玉一顆愛

因為小玉是隻狗嗎？

即使小玉沒瞎 它也不懂

我也不懂 為何

委託人 被妳委託嗎？

這嘗試著的貼近 是她還是妳？

妳在關心嗎 像一年前一樣

說關心

妳卻只能見證我的心碎

同時在運輸著

               是我遠方送上祝福

freely

as I was waiting, 

I picked up flowers spotted at the courtyard, left it on the table

they fell from the sky, probably somewhere up there

things I do to remember moments 

you were late, you notified

the pet clinic was crowded because it was a holiday the next day

I waited, and then I saw you

with a new hair colour, I remembered

though it didn't strike as sharp as a topic starter

you were nervous, you looked at the floor

so was I, pretending that I didn't see you

you wore your cap

you had only let down your hair when you are comfortable

then you sat opposite me

you got food, we warmed up slowly - about an hour

before we talked about our purpose of meeting

you were operating in a highly anxious mode

constantly solving problems

before we went into it, you were comfortable enough to take a 5 second eyes off moment

it is true that I do not know you well - as I observe, I realised

when we talked about it, you were focused

there wasn't much room to commune and communicate

it didn't feel like it was mutual, the showing up for each other

perhaps at that point of time, boundaries were already set 

I was disappointed

you were prepared to be distant; or at least, not on my side

but my nature was still the same

I quickly took in all you expressed 

and I wasn't able to fend for myself

it was a messy talk, we both tried

even that, amongst it all

I was glad that you sat next to me while we did it

I think, that was part of what was real for the both of us

I should have known that it is out of your capacity 

everything that I imagined to be

yet, I'm thankful for our encounter

I've never met anyone like you before - just like how you once told me

I guess, I am naturally more liberal than you are

or more attuned to myself

it is fine that you couldn't meet me at where I am, I accept it

and I shall slowly step away, and let time tell

I thought to myself, you made time to dye your hair 

           (which you always do at that time of the year)

you made time to watch a friend perform

you posted them on your socials

            I simply wasn't prioritised

that is your choice

I hope those moments shared are those that you keep with you

it's okay if I am not aware 

I will keep my truths to myself

thank you for being my unacknowledged spectrum friend

thank you for sharing little moments with me

you're such a darn-ed person, that is why everyone loves you

no - I don't have to own you despite that

I thank you for allowing, albeit briefly 

you don't have to be too careful

if my absence can take away that

I would dim down to make it easier for you

I'm not being selfish

I guess that's how I love

freely

quiet mouse

    like a quiet mouse, I stood next to you

I know I am comfortable with you

I know I can be myself

    like a quiet mouse, my heart beats steadily

and I finally hear it

that little whisper that I might find myself denying

I wish to be with you

    and even if I couldn't have that fulfilled 

I will still accept it 

I will let it settle quietly 

while I set sail to see the world

I will let it settle quietly, like a mouse 

    deep in the bottom of my heart

I wish to be with you

manuscript

and when it comes to the breeze that came twirling around my body 

those that I believe you bring along, wherever you go

for me to wear adoration on my face

I guess the longer it goes, the lesser I care

I just loved it when you caught me looking, you'd respond with the brightest, most generous smile 

whenever we greet

when you held the door even when I was far behind

when you saw me letting go of my tears and came up to talk to me after

when you offered to make cup noodles when I got hungry

when I caught you checking if I noticed

when you came around without saying anything, just seated at the back of me

when we locked our eyes for more than 3 seconds for a goodbye

when you took an awkward selfie of us

when you smiled knowing that I'm taking a photo of you under the sink

when you waited for me on the chair, next to my shoes

when you silly-acted as a king

or heck, when you opened a bottle for me

simply speaking, I'm just grateful to have you around

to have all of these ignited in me

I am well and alive

less romantic

when confronted with our differences 

here I stood in front of a potential mess 

I see us not knowing how to move forward, a little helpless 

yet I heard what you tried to convey, in each gratitude, verbalised

I heard them all, crystal clear. each of them, I received it with my heart.

we were trail blazers in our own means

paved we went, forward we inch

with tremendous strength, we intend to see it till the end

unwavering

though it wasn't comfortable, I wasn't fearful

we weathered it, and we came out of it

Faith - yes I had it stored. 

my faith lies on my purest hopes of how high the ship could soar 

with that, I would always have excellence to strive in mind

whilst being in the dark, I couldn't possibly gauge how realistic this task is bound to be unmet from the start

surely we all would know that the captain of the ship had visions to realise 

but when the command wasn't given, it got us all waiting, pondering - 

the spear of intent didn't appear to be as sharp as imagined

the first staging was open for so many possibilities, through these possibilities we saw a shining star

     I wonder, to each of us, what did we exactly grasp from that experience - 

and how do we move forward with each better version, amidst running them all with limitations

as I hear your voice through my cans, I hear blood, sweat and tears

I heard how you showed up - imperfect, flawed, yet honest and whole as you are

your essence is embedded in this very space, regardless of what was described above

and there I was, seeing it all - I wonder if this is my actual role in the show

amidst rapid

The two times we spoke, I was on a bench

One stone, one wooden

we never talked on the phone like this

there were negotiations made

there was room for silence

Our styles might be similar, that puts me at ease

By calling it meant needs are worked to be met

and that is treasured

So we tried putting the puzzle together, amongst what's given

eventually, I saw the role that I am made to fill

Amidst all I still wonder if all that's left will be squandered

If I am taking the wrong risks

just because of the strong feelings I have for you

I wasn't sure if I was love struck 

and this is part of the consequence

I still read very well, no matter how much I'd like to hide 

You are a genuine person

I thank you

amidst the many more synapses 

may our love take place and coexist 

register

love it when you let your hair down

not under a cap

straight, coloured

though your face spoke otherwise 

Breathe, I communicate with you non-verbally

you took awhile to recompose 

its alright - I am here

I knew my role, clear from the beginning 

The scent of shampoo filled my smell buds  

definitely yours, though I too washed my hair in the morn

I stood behind you as you were trying hard to think

amidst being late, and having a million things on your mind

you don't have to do it all alone

that was my intent

if I can express it all through actions

    that would be one of them that I did solid and effortlessly

I just loved seeing you as yourself 

when you sung, I froze - you did it openly

my senses, feeling so much yet I maintained in scientist work mode

just like how they felt so excited when a whale is sighted, yet work has to be covered

my senses, they were all registered as I shifted your ikea bag,

examined the quality of the masking tape

going through your thinking process of minimising tape adhesive sticking on the studio floor

figuring the right pressure to hold the tape is you pulled it

capturing the colour of the cap your wore out that day - gray it was 

the bags that you bring around in work mode

that smile you shared when I decided to give you letters

you just have that ability to make me fly free

I was there for you

my hands on your knees

seated on the floor, we were

our legs stretched out, we sat opposite each other, with you 45 degrees to my right, your legs pointed towards me

space filled by our friends, people we hold dear

I know who they were, but I couldn't see their faces

I only see you

you were there, present

we acknowledge the temporal space

you were smiling, listening

as I shared about how surreal it was 

you agreed

we were in the same space

we shared the same frequency

you comfort so effortlessly

it was perhaps a 5-minute rapid eye movement

before we part 

I caressed your knees, perhaps your sheen

that was me reciprocating 

that was me expressing gratitude

that was me, uninhibited 

and I woke, knowing that you replied a text

I read it, confidently - one of those moments where it didn't miss

I continued to tell you about the dream - my hunch was trying to preserve it as much as I could,

    and I decided to do that by sharing that with you

I actually wish that I could do it without shame

     saying to you that I recognise your soul and I will remember you for a very long time

     in the most direct, as is manner

it wasn't meant to be shared to reveal

it was my truth, and it is

and every time I see you, the nuances of your smile - together with mine

moves my heart, even when you don't see it

running up that hill

       my then ability is to be able to be open 

and offer intimacy

perhaps I gave you the space that you desired, while you were grieving 

       but when it all ended

I wasn't ready 

I'm sorry lynn, you have a gift of feeling so much for the other

you ached for him, you mourned for him

you were absorbed in his cloud

unaware, you were

did you ask for it? 

did you ask to be loved? in return?

no. but you went ahead. you didn't know how to protect. a curious fawn you were.

and so you followed the guide

you were swayed. swooped. 

I'm sorry you didn't know better

15 years later, here you are.

back at where you once were, where he shared his pain

it was yours, as much as it was his. you heard him. his cry, his agony, him, not you. 

Him, not you.

But I remembered, you wanting it so bad, to be you

time froze 

Unknowingly,

you transcended

and now, you've returned