snooze

Time and space recalled

this particular density of the morning air

and the stillness coexisting within and outside of my body

        waking up to your presence curled around me - 

I remember longing for you this way, many months ago

when we were still close, intertwined

        many moons after, we stopped talking

I lit a candle for you

your name whispered under my breath

I remember longing for you this way, many months ago

tenderly

I'm surprise I still do

unfold

I breathe to random strings of air

    an undercurrent

    I imagined folding a piece of paper, writing "(Name), I love you,

           and this is my truth"

and I will have it offered to whoever that matters

My body, telling me stories

naming a pull

drinking in it all

performative or otherwise

I name it, my truth

    including the grieve that is living in my body

I no longer want to live in a constructed oblivion 

    my prayers held close to my heart, regardless it being heard or not

    my truth will always stay with me,

    even if I'm misunderstood

    even if I'm wounded 

I will not retaliate, same as what we talked about the other day

I breathe to random strings of air

    an undercurrent

    buried in a hum, a buzz

I then started to sing

    and move 

    freely

glass balls

 I would wake up to remember a thought 

pen it down into my little notebook 

include it into one of the things that I would rehearse to tell you

this time, it would be that I've always respected you

by telling you my truth, it doesn't mean that I intend to challenge

it is exactly because of how I adore you that I made sure to share with you - what matters to me 

and that adoration still stays in me

I never thought that I could miss you so dearly

I've also been seeking the message to convey from my soul to yours

with me, you don't have to be afraid

I'll not bring harm to you

I am confident that nothing could go wrong

I am sure that I would protect your heart, like a warrior that I am

...isn't it odd? The roles I see myself experiencing when you're near me

Nothing would go wrong when we're together

Nothing

I don't wish that this is a burden to neither of us

I would do it, steadily collecting my reflections

and have them shared with you one day

my little glass balls

and the new found love I have for you and I

You and I

I get excited,

thinking that I'm becoming you

having a vision that had your touch

perhaps a power of clairvoyance 

putting all into places

traces I wish to leave

a dance, a moment - and what it takes to create

I did it

my courage reminded me of you

and perhaps, that's what I've always admired about you - you remind me of my desires 

part of what I've always wanted to achieve

if I wonder why I still think of you

it is because you left a deep imprint in me

it is not about fairness - but it all had enough to be churned

I wish I could talk to you, and tell you about the many things I can share you with

though many had warned me 

I now know, how dangerous you can be

I can still be you to remind myself of many matters

and I shall wait for the day when it all gets better

until we meet again

Relational

I once wrote to you about the relationship you have with happiness

where it seemed straight forward, linear and obtainable 

I registered this alternative, and admired your tenacity and clarity

you paved the road for many

as for me,

I'd rather sit with my unconventional angle of the pursue of happiness 

working through my desires

I have instinctively chosen to sit with depth, the other sets of experiences - perhaps overlapping the spectrum of happiness

for I understood happiness may seem simple to be reached

but it actually is complex

especially when my will of attainment is strong

we took our risks, within each drawn limitations

though I must say that I love it when you soar at your peak of intensity

one could tell that you are happy - a sun like ball of energy

you are indeed a person with a big source of warmth

unbashful

it is okay to be unhappy

for happiness is not an end goal 

the action of pursuing it openly, is

Scorching Sun

The sun was generous, as we tell from the emitted rays

I walked without looking too far, with my dirt covered hair

       freely, like I've owed nothing to anybody

until I see you from a distance

The sun was generous, cutting interactions short

I remembered turning back to watch you leave

I am out numbered, I noticed, I still am - after all this while

 

My vision blurred as I looked back

I don't remember your faded hair colour

but I realised I still long for your presence - even unobtainable 

I remember I feared

you have been always stronger, like masculinely strong

I don't want to be hurt again

you have every capacity of doing so

my guard was built sky high, extending in parallel, as I look back

will there be a time where I will completely forget everything?

why do I have to see you again? 

I don't know if you'd ever have good things to say about me 

I regret that it is all this fragile

I regret that my expectations were overflowing

I don't know if we'd ever stop acting that we're all fine

The sun was generous, as we tell from the emitted rays

parting

I would stay away so you can continue to build what's great that you deem

I wish I could be remembered the way I think I would, though again

this is out of my control

The warmth that you express is one that I remembered well,

I wish that you'll be protected that by that very magic itself, 

as you continue to soar

Most of the time, it is not about you

I see it, I truly do

which is why when I spoke of for myself, it seemed that we couldn't coexist anymore

for I see clearly, who you are(were)

it does break my heart, love

I could see from the way you look at me

I love you, but I got to go

for this space doesn't look like a place you'd stay

you three have a good thing going, 

take it, protect it, 

with my biggest heart, I'll take up all that's left

and walk my path

I'll see you again, someday

thank you for your innocence, 

and your kindness

your presence trampled my little garden - that is just who you are, to me

if you get to read my words one day

I wish these could land to you, soundly