amidst rapid

The two times we spoke, I was on a bench

One stone, one wooden

we never talked on the phone like this

there were negotiations made

there was room for silence

Our styles might be similar, that puts me at ease

By calling it meant needs are worked to be met

and that is treasured

So we tried putting the puzzle together, amongst what's given

eventually, I saw the role that I am made to fill

Amidst all I still wonder if all that's left will be squandered

If I am taking the wrong risks

just because of the strong feelings I have for you

I wasn't sure if I was love struck 

and this is part of the consequence

I still read very well, no matter how much I'd like to hide 

You are a genuine person

I thank you

amidst the many more synapses 

may our love take place and coexist 

register

love it when you let your hair down

not under a cap

straight, coloured

though your face spoke otherwise 

Breathe, I communicate with you non-verbally

you took awhile to recompose 

its alright - I am here

I knew my role, clear from the beginning 

The scent of shampoo filled my smell buds  

definitely yours, though I too washed my hair in the morn

I stood behind you as you were trying hard to think

amidst being late, and having a million things on your mind

you don't have to do it all alone

that was my intent

if I can express it all through actions

    that would be one of them that I did solid and effortlessly

I just loved seeing you as yourself 

when you sung, I froze - you did it openly

my senses, feeling so much yet I maintained in scientist work mode

just like how they felt so excited when a whale is sighted, yet work has to be covered

my senses, they were all registered as I shifted your ikea bag,

examined the quality of the masking tape

going through your thinking process of minimising tape adhesive sticking on the studio floor

figuring the right pressure to hold the tape is you pulled it

capturing the colour of the cap your wore out that day - gray it was 

the bags that you bring around in work mode

that smile you shared when I decided to give you letters

you just have that ability to make me fly free

I was there for you

my hands on your knees

seated on the floor, we were

our legs stretched out, we sat opposite each other, with you 45 degrees to my right, your legs pointed towards me

space filled by our friends, people we hold dear

I know who they were, but I couldn't see their faces

I only see you

you were there, present

we acknowledge the temporal space

you were smiling, listening

as I shared about how surreal it was 

you agreed

we were in the same space

we shared the same frequency

you comfort so effortlessly

it was perhaps a 5-minute rapid eye movement

before we part 

I caressed your knees, perhaps your sheen

that was me reciprocating 

that was me expressing gratitude

that was me, uninhibited 

and I woke, knowing that you replied a text

I read it, confidently - one of those moments where it didn't miss

I continued to tell you about the dream - my hunch was trying to preserve it as much as I could,

    and I decided to do that by sharing that with you

I actually wish that I could do it without shame

     saying to you that I recognise your soul and I will remember you for a very long time

     in the most direct, as is manner

it wasn't meant to be shared to reveal

it was my truth, and it is

and every time I see you, the nuances of your smile - together with mine

moves my heart, even when you don't see it

running up that hill

       my then ability is to be able to be open 

and offer intimacy

perhaps I gave you the space that you desired, while you were grieving 

       but when it all ended

I wasn't ready 

I'm sorry lynn, you have a gift of feeling so much for the other

you ached for him, you mourned for him

you were absorbed in his cloud

unaware, you were

did you ask for it? 

did you ask to be loved? in return?

no. but you went ahead. you didn't know how to protect. a curious fawn you were.

and so you followed the guide

you were swayed. swooped. 

I'm sorry you didn't know better

15 years later, here you are.

back at where you once were, where he shared his pain

it was yours, as much as it was his. you heard him. his cry, his agony, him, not you. 

Him, not you.

But I remembered, you wanting it so bad, to be you

time froze 

Unknowingly,

you transcended

and now, you've returned

メリクリ

 I've not heard from you

but there you were, in my dreams

my vision would have been temporarily impaired 

but you were next to me - I knew

we held hands initially

but after that, our bodies connected, from hands, to the limbs

there was weight, there was warmth

you were next to me

it was a game that I was in, you were assisting

before we started, you squeezed my breasts playfully - briefly

while my sight was impaired 

I stood still, pleasantly surprised of that expression 

then we continued to play the game, as if it that never happened 

I don't remember much about the game

but I remember how close you stood by

and also the feelings I have for you

you've always been light, and playful 

thank you for swinging by - I guess subconsciously, you know how I'd love to connect with you

and boy you have no idea

or do you, my dear

Eyes Locked

For every little moment I remembered

One of them would be your eyes

        when they slice through corners of the room

        and pin drop silence

That very afternoon when you and your sister shared the space 

I remember identifying your bond, because of your shared eyes

I had no inkling but a hunch spoke to me

        so strong it was

that those eyes are your father's

        your sister and yours

The day came when we had to look into each other's eyes

followed by a mirroring exercise

I looked at her eyes, alternating from the left, to the right

        I could see him

Your sister is a gentle soul, a courageous one

        a kind one

Her eyes seemed to always glimmer 

        from those times I looked directly into

        to those that I observed from the side

Amongst all things that I thought I could communicate with her in the exercise

        I remembered telling her, that I'm in love with your sister

        and there it was, crystal clear

        imbued with a tinge of shyness, vulnerability and openness 

        at the very least, I thought I could share that with her through looking into her eyes

I cannot deny,

I wished it was you that was opposite me - no, actually, I can easily see that happen

The space we share whenever we do, is a magical one

So was that for me and your sister

I am thankful to have shared that connection with her, in that very circumstance

I'm not sure if she could tell what I instinctively shared

In fact, I've always been held back by the weight and oddness I carry, constantly 

That all happened when our eyes locked

little did anyone know,

I too am grateful

Mirror Image

That look you wore - which I knew I made happen

with your curiosity, like a bee to a flower

how odd it is, to sense your attention on me

as I pour mine on you

        if you notice, it's like a wash

        

        maybe with a pink hue

From my enthusiastic questions

and how it's been allowed - I hope you know

how I feel for you

I always like where our conversation flows, we talked and talked

you are like a child, an inquisitive and eloquent one

Here we are, I hope our thirsts are quenched 

in this timely phase

        I wonder too, if not all the time

   

        why do you have that effect on me