quiet mouse

    like a quiet mouse, I stood next to you

I know I am comfortable with you

I know I can be myself

    like a quiet mouse, my heart beats steadily

and I finally hear it

that little whisper that I might find myself denying

I wish to be with you

    and even if I couldn't have that fulfilled 

I will still accept it 

I will let it settle quietly 

while I set sail to see the world

I will let it settle quietly, like a mouse 

    deep in the bottom of my heart

I wish to be with you

manuscript

and when it comes to the breeze that came twirling around my body 

those that I believe you bring along, wherever you go

for me to wear adoration on my face

I guess the longer it goes, the lesser I care

I just loved it when you caught me looking, you'd respond with the brightest, most generous smile 

whenever we greet

when you held the door even when I was far behind

when you saw me letting go of my tears and came up to talk to me after

when you offered to make cup noodles when I got hungry

when I caught you checking if I noticed

when you came around without saying anything, just seated at the back of me

when we locked our eyes for more than 3 seconds for a goodbye

when you took an awkward selfie of us

when you smiled knowing that I'm taking a photo of you under the sink

when you waited for me on the chair, next to my shoes

when you silly-acted as a king

or heck, when you opened a bottle for me

simply speaking, I'm just grateful to have you around

to have all of these ignited in me

I am well and alive

less romantic

when confronted with our differences 

here I stood in front of a potential mess 

I see us not knowing how to move forward, a little helpless 

yet I heard what you tried to convey, in each gratitude, verbalised

I heard them all, crystal clear. each of them, I received it with my heart.

we were trail blazers in our own means

paved we went, forward we inch

with tremendous strength, we intend to see it till the end

unwavering

though it wasn't comfortable, I wasn't fearful

we weathered it, and we came out of it

Faith - yes I had it stored. 

my faith lies on my purest hopes of how high the ship could soar 

with that, I would always have excellence to strive in mind

whilst being in the dark, I couldn't possibly gauge how realistic this task is bound to be unmet from the start

surely we all would know that the captain of the ship had visions to realise 

but when the command wasn't given, it got us all waiting, pondering - 

the spear of intent didn't appear to be as sharp as imagined

the first staging was open for so many possibilities, through these possibilities we saw a shining star

     I wonder, to each of us, what did we exactly grasp from that experience - 

and how do we move forward with each better version, amidst running them all with limitations

as I hear your voice through my cans, I hear blood, sweat and tears

I heard how you showed up - imperfect, flawed, yet honest and whole as you are

your essence is embedded in this very space, regardless of what was described above

and there I was, seeing it all - I wonder if this is my actual role in the show

amidst rapid

The two times we spoke, I was on a bench

One stone, one wooden

we never talked on the phone like this

there were negotiations made

there was room for silence

Our styles might be similar, that puts me at ease

By calling it meant needs are worked to be met

and that is treasured

So we tried putting the puzzle together, amongst what's given

eventually, I saw the role that I am made to fill

Amidst all I still wonder if all that's left will be squandered

If I am taking the wrong risks

just because of the strong feelings I have for you

I wasn't sure if I was love struck 

and this is part of the consequence

I still read very well, no matter how much I'd like to hide 

You are a genuine person

I thank you

amidst the many more synapses 

may our love take place and coexist 

register

love it when you let your hair down

not under a cap

straight, coloured

though your face spoke otherwise 

Breathe, I communicate with you non-verbally

you took awhile to recompose 

its alright - I am here

I knew my role, clear from the beginning 

The scent of shampoo filled my smell buds  

definitely yours, though I too washed my hair in the morn

I stood behind you as you were trying hard to think

amidst being late, and having a million things on your mind

you don't have to do it all alone

that was my intent

if I can express it all through actions

    that would be one of them that I did solid and effortlessly

I just loved seeing you as yourself 

when you sung, I froze - you did it openly

my senses, feeling so much yet I maintained in scientist work mode

just like how they felt so excited when a whale is sighted, yet work has to be covered

my senses, they were all registered as I shifted your ikea bag,

examined the quality of the masking tape

going through your thinking process of minimising tape adhesive sticking on the studio floor

figuring the right pressure to hold the tape is you pulled it

capturing the colour of the cap your wore out that day - gray it was 

the bags that you bring around in work mode

that smile you shared when I decided to give you letters

you just have that ability to make me fly free

I was there for you

my hands on your knees

seated on the floor, we were

our legs stretched out, we sat opposite each other, with you 45 degrees to my right, your legs pointed towards me

space filled by our friends, people we hold dear

I know who they were, but I couldn't see their faces

I only see you

you were there, present

we acknowledge the temporal space

you were smiling, listening

as I shared about how surreal it was 

you agreed

we were in the same space

we shared the same frequency

you comfort so effortlessly

it was perhaps a 5-minute rapid eye movement

before we part 

I caressed your knees, perhaps your sheen

that was me reciprocating 

that was me expressing gratitude

that was me, uninhibited 

and I woke, knowing that you replied a text

I read it, confidently - one of those moments where it didn't miss

I continued to tell you about the dream - my hunch was trying to preserve it as much as I could,

    and I decided to do that by sharing that with you

I actually wish that I could do it without shame

     saying to you that I recognise your soul and I will remember you for a very long time

     in the most direct, as is manner

it wasn't meant to be shared to reveal

it was my truth, and it is

and every time I see you, the nuances of your smile - together with mine

moves my heart, even when you don't see it

running up that hill

       my then ability is to be able to be open 

and offer intimacy

perhaps I gave you the space that you desired, while you were grieving 

       but when it all ended

I wasn't ready 

I'm sorry lynn, you have a gift of feeling so much for the other

you ached for him, you mourned for him

you were absorbed in his cloud

unaware, you were

did you ask for it? 

did you ask to be loved? in return?

no. but you went ahead. you didn't know how to protect. a curious fawn you were.

and so you followed the guide

you were swayed. swooped. 

I'm sorry you didn't know better

15 years later, here you are.

back at where you once were, where he shared his pain

it was yours, as much as it was his. you heard him. his cry, his agony, him, not you. 

Him, not you.

But I remembered, you wanting it so bad, to be you

time froze 

Unknowingly,

you transcended

and now, you've returned