register

love it when you let your hair down

not under a cap

straight, coloured

though your face spoke otherwise 

Breathe, I communicate with you non-verbally

you took awhile to recompose 

its alright - I am here

I knew my role, clear from the beginning 

The scent of shampoo filled my smell buds  

definitely yours, though I too washed my hair in the morn

I stood behind you as you were trying hard to think

amidst being late, and having a million things on your mind

you don't have to do it all alone

that was my intent

if I can express it all through actions

    that would be one of them that I did solid and effortlessly

I just loved seeing you as yourself 

when you sung, I froze - you did it openly

my senses, feeling so much yet I maintained in scientist work mode

just like how they felt so excited when a whale is sighted, yet work has to be covered

my senses, they were all registered as I shifted your ikea bag,

examined the quality of the masking tape

going through your thinking process of minimising tape adhesive sticking on the studio floor

figuring the right pressure to hold the tape is you pulled it

capturing the colour of the cap your wore out that day - gray it was 

the bags that you bring around in work mode

that smile you shared when I decided to give you letters

you just have that ability to make me fly free

I was there for you

my hands on your knees

seated on the floor, we were

our legs stretched out, we sat opposite each other, with you 45 degrees to my right, your legs pointed towards me

space filled by our friends, people we hold dear

I know who they were, but I couldn't see their faces

I only see you

you were there, present

we acknowledge the temporal space

you were smiling, listening

as I shared about how surreal it was 

you agreed

we were in the same space

we shared the same frequency

you comfort so effortlessly

it was perhaps a 5-minute rapid eye movement

before we part 

I caressed your knees, perhaps your sheen

that was me reciprocating 

that was me expressing gratitude

that was me, uninhibited 

and I woke, knowing that you replied a text

I read it, confidently - one of those moments where it didn't miss

I continued to tell you about the dream - my hunch was trying to preserve it as much as I could,

    and I decided to do that by sharing that with you

I actually wish that I could do it without shame

     saying to you that I recognise your soul and I will remember you for a very long time

     in the most direct, as is manner

it wasn't meant to be shared to reveal

it was my truth, and it is

and every time I see you, the nuances of your smile - together with mine

moves my heart, even when you don't see it

running up that hill

       my then ability is to be able to be open 

and offer intimacy

perhaps I gave you the space that you desired, while you were grieving 

       but when it all ended

I wasn't ready 

I'm sorry lynn, you have a gift of feeling so much for the other

you ached for him, you mourned for him

you were absorbed in his cloud

unaware, you were

did you ask for it? 

did you ask to be loved? in return?

no. but you went ahead. you didn't know how to protect. a curious fawn you were.

and so you followed the guide

you were swayed. swooped. 

I'm sorry you didn't know better

15 years later, here you are.

back at where you once were, where he shared his pain

it was yours, as much as it was his. you heard him. his cry, his agony, him, not you. 

Him, not you.

But I remembered, you wanting it so bad, to be you

time froze 

Unknowingly,

you transcended

and now, you've returned