desensitized

没有了

梦圆了

说该说的了

醒来  你不见踪影

眼睛好累 肿胀

噢   我哭过来吗

我的心还在跳吗



今天不是星期一

无法复活

你在哪

……我们见过面吗

我怎么记不起

你是谁

我怎么胸口感觉疼痛

你是我亲爱的 吗



没有了

梦圆了

找到你了

说该说的了

杂讯太多

我们还能再见吗

在消失之前

Plan Z:

Jane is housebound and doesn't invite calls.

John has a recording session to make.

Judy has a flight to catch short after.

Jean doesn't feel comfortable being called to prep in a short span of time.

Jack responded in a different time zone, and is committed to a pre-arranged interview.

Jude has a busy schedule to attend to.

Josh isn't comfortable to speak upon the subject on a different vehicle. Maybe he understands that free speech could only be exercised on gray lines. The world wide web for example.

Jade feels she is not the right person to approach. She offered to help, though it functioned more like an act of kindness to be absorbed.

Jill checked her schedule and has to be present in a meeting.






Jason said yes.
And Jason hurt himself just right before and therefore is not able to make it, after our agreement.






God knows I've tried hard. At least the universe does.

concave

We despise the norms of what is written in the society contract

individuality, a less celebrated content

relationships defined within a hollowed core



Low moans and a dried socket,

I searched for you, high and low



An evil game, we played

false smiles unleashed

false intentions

a package we sell

where lands our form of freedom?



Shall we recall

how sweet the scent tasted

the morning when the birds chirped

those little details you capture

when time stood still

when all seems to precious to pass



like how we'd kiss goodbye

yes, kiss goodbye

Dream Sequence

I fell in love with a musician

a bright, serious player

his eyes on his loved one

        he feeds her endless devotion

His space adorned with no symbols 

plainness      if any

for the traces left is built in another dimension

one that pulses innate 

one that trigger midnight moans

you would know why

if they could be visualized

such tender ears to be loved

I beamed 

knowing that we speak the same language

Gripped and let loose

smiled as I adored 

your undivided attention

     not to me

but our language

our common ground

His thoughts, centralized

in the core of a purpose

indeed, to pursue one love

seems like the only thing one can achieve

I fell in love with a musician

he feeds her endless devotion

my weakness

lays between the lines -

I fell for you, my dear one

Wilt

lights on

She was wrong, it was deliberate

how can I ever express disappointment

when you have nothing to begin with

it would make zero sense,

invalid

you want it vague, you want it non-conventional

you want to cut yourself, you bleed

you immerse in torment, intense, in vain


remember, void


I remember





lights off

weakening, dampened

I should have listened, your intentions

known better - a hideous expression

I didn't come to make anyone a fool




you can murder me

quietly,

thunderously

necrophilously



a secret I shall keep

hush

I wilt in the dark

you can trust me

Tauromakhia

Shadow and light formed no significance

My circadian clock has been unwind

A turmoil observed

Intense and raw

without a sign



My head goes light

Face turned sheet white

Multi facets, direction, dimension

Feels like an internal motion sickness triggered

An overthrown ball of dynamics

pulling strings -

You gave me butterflies

Wasn't there anything I can do to save myself from my own illusions

We are so distanced, distracted

Yet I feel you here so close

I took it too lightly

Never knew I could be engulfed by such

attraction






Breathe

I said






Only when I get to surrender myself to your arms

is when I feel comfort, warmth and tranquil



My instincts are shouting aloud

wish you were here

Drag

what am I doing here

how am I doing

the sky has a new volume of concentration

thick and dark it was

no penetration of light

I could have paid more attention

was it time to realize

why does she do that to herself

you know - 

I let it go too soon

I remember my guards

they stood with me all the time 

to prevent incidents from turning sour

I always listen to my heart

yet it always brings me to a wall of frustrations

maybe a wall would have been enough

stop playing with your adjectives -

simply because there's no way after that

frustrations don't adorn

they are but excuses for me to distract myself from

my weaknesses

was it because of my hard headedness 

or my ignorance

I refuse to act according to predictability 

I have no ill intention

why am I tied

why am I bound to react to rules

you can't hear me

can't you

Gentle Strokes

Thousand metres roar

Gallons of artificial body fluids

Where do they come from

How are they to be seized, between realities



No one shall be able to comprehend

I deny form and restrictions

when behaviourism is to be dissected



Where do I go from here

how do we measure



The unrest wails

Stop chaining their sets of values



Why must I act accordingly

Is that the reason of our co-existence?



Say no more

Hush, please... put me to sleep

Intimacy

I share the same bed as you
virtually
you were lying beside me
quietly

as if we were lifeless, inanimate objects
I share my sheer distance with you
Our relationship was then established


I can reach you as I reached my hand out
it didn't have to be far away, fully extended
I can hug you tight
squeeze your fat
play with your hair
give you a peck - just a playful one maybe

I feel that I am comfortable with you
physical expressions would be surpassed
all that is between us
I love you
I felt it mutual
just not at the right time
therefore I couldn't
therefore other worldly matters sipped in
those coined the term: distraction

I feel you, close to my heart
I see you smile from afar
Your warmth exuded



You are my intimacy



One day,
a mandatory order was sentenced
production of love should be ceased at this point onward
until the patient gets fully recovered -
nobody knew what was best for all
we were all selfish bastards

"I suppose that's just the way the cookie crumbles"




Love -
you are so much to me
yet there is so much of you that I have to take in
so much that I have forgotten what it takes to be myself


Tell me, I have impaired vision
that I had an illusion
of how your eyes looked sorry
when I tried to recall our senses

...I haven't forgotten
how close we used to be

tell me that I'm wrong
tell me something

Deposit

500 points down to your account

hoping that you will make it worthy

I knew you took it away 

and did your hundred yard dash

You never did turn back

or say grace

I was left alone

without an idea of the what was going on

Why did I put my chip on you

Why did you let me down, and ran away

How can I ever entrust you again

with my earnest sincerity

You'll never even be caught red handed

with that that you're holding

you'd even discard it - to save yourself

your facade could make that convenient

it wasn't even an option...

That is why I came to loathe you

that is why I see you as a destruction

of filth

Could this be a sign?

Of agony,

could this be it?

Coos of a Dove

Sunday morning

you were awake

how much I dragged myself with the thoughts I should travel with

to be left to wake with raw emotions

no overtones

no adornment nor obligations




Your name,

I pronounced, as I listened to myself

- is all that I can do


I miss you

hush, no one had to know

I was just speaking my mind




Good afternoon,

sweet little one.

Internalization

When I close my eyes

and tried to make sense of your actions

I walked in your shoes

took a stroll at the park

in a classroom

in various spacial containers

see people that you meet

talked to them

see through the window frame of yours


and switched myself to a mode of default

the identifiable one


caused by its high frequency

I often travel to this made-up realm of mine

not guaranteed a fake among the produced mass

least, played as a role of a tranquilizer

I found myself wanting to become you

to fill in your existence

that is absent in my enclosed wonderland


Fly my dear

fly high

never come back again

I'd assume you'd never

System: Corrupted

If it is not an option,

it doesn't exist. No one has to create a subject out of it.

Seize the image they've created. Especially when you are, undeniably,  the targeted victims.





Thus, I begin to miss you in the oddest ways.

This is how my most earnest, vast expression is to be tuned down to a monologue,

as silent as it should sound,

amongst the daily capacity of noise an average human can tolerate.





Geez, I'm jumping into a system now.

Reminder:

I know not of who you are.
You came and
went and came, and stop,
and went and paused,
and stayed, and linger,
and hauled, and prickled, and slapped,

was that all, I asked.

Was that all?


If you think that was it, think again.


You forgot your words,...
oh of course you would.

And it's okay, I will just have to hypnotize myself - for better reasons.

You know we are good at that,

I know you do.

Thy that I've Missed.

Should have known you were around,

should have placed myself on where I believe I am at.

After years, years that pass me by.



Years ago,

not ever a self-acclaimed city girl(not even today),

but I percept your existence,

without any given framework of who you were supposed to be.

And when I observed how eyes were gauged on you today,

I see that they were merely tracked by the wind of the wagon.

How were you to be appreciated?


It is as if the city boys, the bourgeoisie were the ones to only own you,

but it is not.

They thought they own it.

This city is just filled by lenses of the spectacle,

and they fall, all cathartic, all denying the form of escapism,

you know you could do better than that, don't you.


Fellow mates,

don't see what the others expect you of,

why should you worship standards you wish to achieve?

Least I could say is,

you still appear as stunning as the first time I've heard of you,

you were mine, and I thought and still think that I could be you, I seriously do...

and you were not merely the beauty of how everyone else define as,

not just a tool to propose how one's values are to be aesthetically defined,

as I've seen through that,

and you were an earnest purpose.


I'll catch you alone, the next time, for the next chance.

Experimental.

...were the camera techniques.

I refuse to accept it as a form of realism. Might be linked to poetic realism, but only for the sake of 'recreating realism', not so much of being studio bound, nor gloom bound. Still, I wouldn't buy that it is a reflection. It is a reconstructed hypothesis. Yet it was still taken in so easily. Are all of you as fragile as to be comprehended?

There must be something behind the awkwardly bulged womb, whenever it was carried. The creation of dissonance was like a clashing chord, screamingly jarring that it couldn't be taken in consider - of its purpose as an element to incite. A motif of the subject to be taken more seriously.

This should be taken to another level of conveyance. Truth is, everyone is complacent of the current status quo. It might appear as a message that you have long awaited,...wake up, we have to be critical. Where is your desire for more?

I could imagine that it would be the next independent film to be profoundly discussed, in the coming class.

Droplets and Sunshine.

Misty was the morn,
sounds like someone had woken me up
a foil rustle, was it...

Hmmm.
No, it wasn't.

I have to really listen to myself, as the repetition murmured.
Bells on my dermis bloomed.
then I heard a tune of solemn in my head.
Makes me wonder what was the weep about.
But it was a melody of melancholy.
Was it a projection or a
reflection...

xxx

I kept it all concentrated,
as I had my positive energy all channeled through.
Knowing I were to be put through tests to get by,
was actually, an acknowledgement - that message, somehow.

Please be patient,
I told myself.

I knew where not to head
as much as my nature was to be designed as such.
I knew I couldn't afford to step in
as I bury in the pool of remorse.

Should not my leash convey that I am all restrained,
for/but my intentions are just to shower you a can of fresh air,
and a ray of sunshine.

I will smile too!
If all allows.

xxxxx xxxxxxxx

Ga Ga Gu Gu.

You did it, anyway.
I didn't need to compare.

Should I have just responded in a different manner,
just to build a superficial form of pleasure,
to think that I hold the manipulation of sweet venge,

just to hide the fact that I was the loser.

I found out that I was heart broken,
when she told me so.

When I see you as a depiction of cowardice,
I cried so badly,
I lost control.



Take it,
go away, and never come back again.

Invention No. 13

我心里有个线
像大夫把脉的长线
只是 我
从看不见尽

有时候它勒得我 疼的无比
有时候它轻轻摇晃 节奏似的
有时候它另我想与它一起飞翔

它像是我 的一份子
我的血肉筋丝 把它给组织了
仰或是个来回的运作


Guten Nacht
it came back to me like almost any other recollection
sometimes I was stabbed to wake
sometimes I remembered light
and smiles I woke myself into consciousness even with my eyes opened
I loathe myself for the leak of subconscious
that I have tried to deny of

Guten Nacht
a prickle on the anxious pumping machine
much of the strolls of breather I took my crawl of time at
to realize that I could only fall and weep whenever I return

Guten Nacht
you must have been wondering how I am doing now
just like how I would

Vent.

忘不了 忘不了
忘不了你的错
忘不了你的好
忘不了雨中的散布
也忘不了那风雨的拥抱

忘不了 忘不了
忘不了你的泪
忘不了你的笑
忘不了夜落的惆怅
也忘不了那花开的烦恼

寂寞的长巷
而今斜月清照
冷落的秋千
而今迎风轻摇
它重复你的叮咛
一声声 忘了 忘了
它低诉我的衷曲
一声声 难了 难了

忘不了 忘不了
忘不了 春已尽
忘不了 花已老
忘不了 离别的滋味
也忘不了那相思的苦恼






其实你已经走远了
似乎感觉不了你的息

不再回头
是你策划的脚印
也许
是我期许已久的一刻

无论我走多远
快乐 并非到达的终站
允许你的侵袭
因为只有你
无法抵抗 无法辩护
只有被放纵的感官
不停吸收你一切的能量

请你安好