滿滿
為了妳而聚
然而我唯有遠方送上祝福
一個孩子在哭泣 另一個在微笑
雖不算分裂 他們共存在我體內
委託人 身邊觀察
似乎在問我好不好
我不好 被捨棄了有什麼好
一個孩子在哭泣 另一個在微笑
as I was waiting,
I picked up flowers spotted at the courtyard, left it on the table
they fell from the sky, probably somewhere up there
things I do to remember moments
you were late, you notified
the pet clinic was crowded because it was a holiday the next day
I waited, and then I saw you
with a new hair colour, I remembered
though it didn't strike as sharp as a topic starter
you were nervous, you looked at the floor
so was I, pretending that I didn't see you
you wore your cap
you had only let down your hair when you are comfortable
then you sat opposite me
you got food, we warmed up slowly - about an hour
before we talked about our purpose of meeting
you were operating in a highly anxious mode
constantly solving problems
before we went into it, you were comfortable enough to take a 5 second eyes off moment
it is true that I do not know you well - as I observe, I realised
when we talked about it, you were focused
there wasn't much room to commune and communicate
it didn't feel like it was mutual, the showing up for each other
perhaps at that point of time, boundaries were already set
I was disappointed
you were prepared to be distant; or at least, not on my side
but my nature was still the same
I quickly took in all you expressed
and I wasn't able to fend for myself
it was a messy talk, we both tried
even that, amongst it all
I was glad that you sat next to me while we did it
I think, that was part of what was real for the both of us
I should have known that it is out of your capacity
everything that I imagined to be
yet, I'm thankful for our encounter
I've never met anyone like you before - just like how you once told me
I guess, I am naturally more liberal than you are
or more attuned to myself
it is fine that you couldn't meet me at where I am, I accept it
and I shall slowly step away, and let time tell
I thought to myself, you made time to dye your hair
(which you always do at that time of the year)
you made time to watch a friend perform
you posted them on your socials
I simply wasn't prioritised
that is your choice
I hope those moments shared are those that you keep with you
it's okay if I am not aware
I will keep my truths to myself
thank you for being my unacknowledged spectrum friend
thank you for sharing little moments with me
you're such a darn-ed person, that is why everyone loves you
no - I don't have to own you despite that
I thank you for allowing, albeit briefly
you don't have to be too careful
if my absence can take away that
I would dim down to make it easier for you
I'm not being selfish
I guess that's how I love
freely
like a quiet mouse, I stood next to you
I know I am comfortable with you
I know I can be myself
like a quiet mouse, my heart beats steadily
and I finally hear it
that little whisper that I might find myself denying
I wish to be with you
and even if I couldn't have that fulfilled
I will still accept it
I will let it settle quietly
while I set sail to see the world
I will let it settle quietly, like a mouse
deep in the bottom of my heart
I wish to be with you
and when it comes to the breeze that came twirling around my body
those that I believe you bring along, wherever you go
for me to wear adoration on my face
I guess the longer it goes, the lesser I care
I just loved it when you caught me looking, you'd respond with the brightest, most generous smile
whenever we greet
when you held the door even when I was far behind
when you saw me letting go of my tears and came up to talk to me after
when you offered to make cup noodles when I got hungry
when I caught you checking if I noticed
when you came around without saying anything, just seated at the back of me
when we locked our eyes for more than 3 seconds for a goodbye
when you took an awkward selfie of us
when you smiled knowing that I'm taking a photo of you under the sink
when you waited for me on the chair, next to my shoes
when you silly-acted as a king
or heck, when you opened a bottle for me
simply speaking, I'm just grateful to have you around
to have all of these ignited in me
I am well and alive
when confronted with our differences
here I stood in front of a potential mess
I see us not knowing how to move forward, a little helpless
yet I heard what you tried to convey, in each gratitude, verbalised
I heard them all, crystal clear. each of them, I received it with my heart.
we were trail blazers in our own means
paved we went, forward we inch
with tremendous strength, we intend to see it till the end
unwavering
though it wasn't comfortable, I wasn't fearful
we weathered it, and we came out of it
Faith - yes I had it stored.
my faith lies on my purest hopes of how high the ship could soar
with that, I would always have excellence to strive in mind
whilst being in the dark, I couldn't possibly gauge how realistic this task is bound to be unmet from the start
surely we all would know that the captain of the ship had visions to realise
but when the command wasn't given, it got us all waiting, pondering -
the spear of intent didn't appear to be as sharp as imagined
the first staging was open for so many possibilities, through these possibilities we saw a shining star
I wonder, to each of us, what did we exactly grasp from that experience -
and how do we move forward with each better version, amidst running them all with limitations
as I hear your voice through my cans, I hear blood, sweat and tears
I heard how you showed up - imperfect, flawed, yet honest and whole as you are
your essence is embedded in this very space, regardless of what was described above
and there I was, seeing it all - I wonder if this is my actual role in the show
The two times we spoke, I was on a bench
One stone, one wooden
we never talked on the phone like this
there were negotiations made
there was room for silence
Our styles might be similar, that puts me at ease
By calling it meant needs are worked to be met
and that is treasured
So we tried putting the puzzle together, amongst what's given
eventually, I saw the role that I am made to fill
Amidst all I still wonder if all that's left will be squandered
If I am taking the wrong risks
just because of the strong feelings I have for you
I wasn't sure if I was love struck
and this is part of the consequence
I still read very well, no matter how much I'd like to hide
You are a genuine person
I thank you
amidst the many more synapses
may our love take place and coexist
love it when you let your hair down
not under a cap
straight, coloured
though your face spoke otherwise
Breathe, I communicate with you non-verbally
you took awhile to recompose
its alright - I am here
I knew my role, clear from the beginning
The scent of shampoo filled my smell buds
definitely yours, though I too washed my hair in the morn
I stood behind you as you were trying hard to think
amidst being late, and having a million things on your mind
you don't have to do it all alone
that was my intent
if I can express it all through actions
that would be one of them that I did solid and effortlessly
I just loved seeing you as yourself
when you sung, I froze - you did it openly
my senses, feeling so much yet I maintained in scientist work mode
just like how they felt so excited when a whale is sighted, yet work has to be covered
my senses, they were all registered as I shifted your ikea bag,
examined the quality of the masking tape
going through your thinking process of minimising tape adhesive sticking on the studio floor
figuring the right pressure to hold the tape is you pulled it
capturing the colour of the cap your wore out that day - gray it was
the bags that you bring around in work mode
that smile you shared when I decided to give you letters
you just have that ability to make me fly free
I was there for you
