running up that hill

       my then ability is to be able to be open 

and offer intimacy

perhaps I gave you the space that you desired, while you were grieving 

       but when it all ended

I wasn't ready 

I'm sorry lynn, you have a gift of feeling so much for the other

you ached for him, you mourned for him

you were absorbed in his cloud

unaware, you were

did you ask for it? 

did you ask to be loved? in return?

no. but you went ahead. you didn't know how to protect. a curious fawn you were.

and so you followed the guide

you were swayed. swooped. 

I'm sorry you didn't know better

15 years later, here you are.

back at where you once were, where he shared his pain

it was yours, as much as it was his. you heard him. his cry, his agony, him, not you. 

Him, not you.

But I remembered, you wanting it so bad, to be you

time froze 

Unknowingly,

you transcended

and now, you've returned

メリクリ

 I've not heard from you

but there you were, in my dreams

my vision would have been temporarily impaired 

but you were next to me - I knew

we held hands initially

but after that, our bodies connected, from hands, to the limbs

there was weight, there was warmth

you were next to me

it was a game that I was in, you were assisting

before we started, you squeezed my breasts playfully - briefly

while my sight was impaired 

I stood still, pleasantly surprised of that expression 

then we continued to play the game, as if it that never happened 

I don't remember much about the game

but I remember how close you stood by

and also the feelings I have for you

you've always been light, and playful 

thank you for swinging by - I guess subconsciously, you know how I'd love to connect with you

and boy you have no idea

or do you, my dear

Eyes Locked

For every little moment I remembered

One of them would be your eyes

        when they slice through corners of the room

        and pin drop silence

That very afternoon when you and your sister shared the space 

I remember identifying your bond, because of your shared eyes

I had no inkling but a hunch spoke to me

        so strong it was

that those eyes are your father's

        your sister and yours

The day came when we had to look into each other's eyes

followed by a mirroring exercise

I looked at her eyes, alternating from the left, to the right

        I could see him

Your sister is a gentle soul, a courageous one

        a kind one

Her eyes seemed to always glimmer 

        from those times I looked directly into

        to those that I observed from the side

Amongst all things that I thought I could communicate with her in the exercise

        I remembered telling her, that I'm in love with your sister

        and there it was, crystal clear

        imbued with a tinge of shyness, vulnerability and openness 

        at the very least, I thought I could share that with her through looking into her eyes

I cannot deny,

I wished it was you that was opposite me - no, actually, I can easily see that happen

The space we share whenever we do, is a magical one

So was that for me and your sister

I am thankful to have shared that connection with her, in that very circumstance

I'm not sure if she could tell what I instinctively shared

In fact, I've always been held back by the weight and oddness I carry, constantly 

That all happened when our eyes locked

little did anyone know,

I too am grateful

Mirror Image

That look you wore - which I knew I made happen

with your curiosity, like a bee to a flower

how odd it is, to sense your attention on me

as I pour mine on you

        if you notice, it's like a wash

        

        maybe with a pink hue

From my enthusiastic questions

and how it's been allowed - I hope you know

how I feel for you

I always like where our conversation flows, we talked and talked

you are like a child, an inquisitive and eloquent one

Here we are, I hope our thirsts are quenched 

in this timely phase

        I wonder too, if not all the time

   

        why do you have that effect on me

Someone Great

Electronic music 

creates a pulse in my body

I started dancing

long before I knew it 

a quest is about to be embarked

My poor understanding of therapy 

got me caught up with misconceptions that I'd rather keep

to not tarnish the idealistic view of what the world has of it

perhaps that didn't matter

what mattered was how it could be of service

So we launched to the sky

a quest to seek help

to find the right, great-someone

so I can heal

    it makes me wonder what you've went through to strive such drive

    for my faith was left squandered 

    and I do not know what does it mean to move forward

Thank you

for all I know

you're my great-someone

Oddness

 Odd is when it sounded like I wanted to woo 

my subconscious seem to have a goal

wanting more

wanting it all

an obsession rooted within

my free soul wonders

exploring every inch

Odd is when I put you in a frame

The mind does its dance

Wanting you had become fiction

 as it stands in the way of the present 

an obsession rooted within

my free soul wonders

exploring every inch

Odd is when I acknowledge that I have fallen

that I am capable to feel 

your magic as another human being

 always, we thought we see it all

until we fall, and fall again

Odd is that one moment

where we exchange energy

 that distance that sent me a current

since then

I've been trying hard to ground

grounded

when the rain washes away the pain

I hear calmness in my veins

swollen tear ducts

as though all has come to its end

I have learnt that my feelings are genuine 

and that my heart is broken

for I could only see you wilt in front of my eyes

not hearing from you aches me 

but when you appear

love overflows

nothing even matters 

I am grateful that it is this door that emerged in sight

how I feel for you will stay for a little longer

for I have made peace with my presence and power

perhaps no future to pave

but now, it is all it is